Rehearsals
June 19
Today we had a Zoom call and first read-through of the script. Even though it was over Zoom, this meeting was still so exciting since it was the first time seeing everyone together and actually being able to visualize who we’re going to be working with for the rest of the semester. Going into the call, I was definitely nervous; I knew that it was just the first read-through and I’ve only had my script for less than a week, but there is still anxiety that the character I have started to create is not good enough or developed enough. This was quickly eased by the “non-traditional” read-through that we did, and I’m actually so glad that we didn’t read our own lines. It felt so beneficial to actually hear the lines for the first time and start to make more sense of the play together.
We also talked a lot about why we’re doing this play and why the story is worth telling. The theme of nuance in the show, and how situations and people are not necessarily black or white, is one that stuck out to me since I first read the play, and I’m glad that it’s something that resonated with others in the cast as well. It was also really nice to hear everyone’s different perspectives on the play, and what they value about the story, and our discussion definitely brought up ideas that I hadn’t thought of before.
After today, I am so excited to keep working with this group (especially when we get to meet in person) and keep exploring the script and world of the play.
August 11
Today was our second Zoom call, and I felt very similar to how I did for the first one: excited and nervous. I feel a lot more confident about the character that I have developed, and also more comfortable with the fact that I am going to make mistakes, especially so early in the process, so I should just commit. It was less of a shock when we were told that we were going to read for different characters again today, and it was actually really insightful. I read for Juror 9 in Act 1, Juror 10 in Act 2, and Juror 7 in Act 3. I think that reading the script this way continued to remove the pressure of “making the right choices” that I have put on myself, as well as gave me the opportunity to view the play through different pairs of eyes. It was easier to empathize with these characters, and some of the assumptions that I had made about them during my own time working on the script were thrown out of the door.
We also pointed out the facts of the world of the play as we came across them in our reading. This was really helpful, as this play has so many details, so it made things easier to understand by mapping everything out.
After today I’m even more excited to start rehearsals next week, and I feel ready to start diving in!
August 19
Just like for our Zoom calls, I was definitely excited to come into this rehearsal, but I was still nervous that I didn’t do enough to prepare. I think I’m always the most nervous about the first few rehearsals of a show, as the plan is a lot less concrete so I don’t fully know what to expect. Even though I came in a bit nervous, it was exciting to finally see everyone in the same room together! This cast is full of people that I haven’t worked with before (or haven’t worked with very closely), so I’m interested to see how the dynamic of this group will continue to grow.
We started our rehearsal with a long group warm up that definitely helped to ease the nerves and build trust in the room. Marc introduced the idea of using omnish to communicate intent, and continuing to use it as a tool in the future. After taking Stage Dialects last semster, communicating in omnish is not as intimidating, but I’m curious to see how it will come into play while acting and communicating the intent of a line that is already written.
We spent a lot of rehearsal creating measures of success for this production. While all of the goals that we set are important, there were a few that aligned a lot with my own personal goals. Those measures were:
- Having a point of view in every part of the play
- Learn something new every day. Either about the play, my character, or myself as an actor
- Apply best practices actively
- Continue viewing the show through a new lens/keep the show fresh
- Find the flow of the show, but avoid trying to control it
All of these measures work on aspects of my performance that I know I need to work on and I think will actively have a positive influence on the show as a whole.
The last thing we did in rehearsal was a partial read through of Act 1. This was so exciting, and I immediately felt more energized as we started doing it. This was the first time that we read as our actual characters, but I felt a lot more prepared than I did over Zoom. I was surprised to see how different the initial vote in the show felt for the first time. Immediately having everyone’s eyes on me made me realize just how terrifying of an experience that is and how difficult of a position Juror 8 is in. Being able to start a read through already shifted some of the ideas I had about Act 1 and my tactics after the vote. This was such an interesting and surprising development, and I can’t wait to explore it more as we delve deeper.
August 20
Rehearsal started today with a fun warm up “sword” game. We were split up into different partners, and had the goal of either “stabbing” them with the sword, or defending them from stabbing us. After having such a long day before rehearsal, this definitely helped me to get my energy back up, and it also helped me to connect with members of the cast that I am more unfamiliar with. While this was a fun game, I also reflected on it from an acting perspective, and I think it is an excellent example of intent and impact. Sometimes the plan you’d have to stab/defend wouldn’t work, so you’d have to reevaluate and try again until you affect your partner in the desired way. Maybe I’m looking into this silly game too much, but it really helped to warm my brain up to trying again and again, even if the initial attempt is a massive failure.
We then started to read through the script again from the top. I was able to let the changes that I observed yesterday affect me even more, and I found that my character is already brasher and more direct than I thought. Before coming into the read through, I thought that I would spend a lot of Act 1 trying to appear reasonable and calm to the rest of the group (even if I wasn’t feeling that way) and balancing that with my disagreement. Because of this, I found that I wanted to focus my energy during this read through on what my intentions and thoughts are, and let the nuances of how I want to be perceived by the room come into play later in the process. I think that this was an effective decision, and led me to multiple discoveries and questions. This was always a thought in the back of my mind, but today’s rehearsal made me fully realize that Juror 8 is not just upset about the idea of sending the boy off to die, but is equally, if not more so, upset about the lack of care and dialogue – both about the boy and within the room. It’s one thing to declare a guilty verdict if you truly think someone is guilty, but to sentence someone to death simply because it is the easy thing to do is appalling. This discovery helped me to heighten the stakes of the scene even more, and I think will help to make my actions more playable going forward.
We also spent time coming up with and discussing the questions we came up with since our read-through over Zoom. It was relieving to hear how many other people had similar questions about the circumstances of the play, and I also felt like I was getting a better sense of the world by identifying these questions.
August 21
Today was very hectic for me, as I was running back and forth from rehearsal to my Peer Mentor Coordinator duties during New Student Welcome. I was already a little nervous about how I would effectively uphold the responsibilities of both of these positions coming in, but today felt like the peak of my stress of doing both. I know that I can do it, and I absolutely will, but some days are harder than others in this aspect, and I can’t wait to not have to split my brain anymore.
We started with design presentations, which are always so exciting and informative. Being able to get a better visual of the space that we’re in with Michael’s presentation really helped to make sense of how the characters will use and exist within the room. As always, I was very excited for Kevin’s costume presentation and was not disappointed. It’s always so interesting to hear how the designers perceive the world and the characters, and specifically with costumes, there are always aspects of the character that exist within the clothing that I hadn’t thought about before. The presentations all also helped to put into perspective the time period of the show. Existing as a person in the 50s has been a big thing on my mind, and I feel like the presentations helped to make it seem more like reality instead of a fantasy world.
I then had to leave rehearsal for an hour, which stressed me out because I know so much can happen in so little time. I already feel a bit unprepared at times, so missing any rehearsal time is not ideal, and I feel like I’m in danger of falling behind, which is really not something that can happen with this production. I did my best to leave my stress about this outside of rehearsal, and I came back just in time to start the read through of Act 2. Reading through Act 2, I made a few more discoveries about my character that helped to paint her more as a real person as opposed to an image of morality and justice. In Act 2, Juror 8 does a lot of instigating – I snatch Juror 3’s things from her. I spend so much of the act trying to rile her up so I can get a reaction out of her. These discoveries helped to shed more light on Juror 8’s flaws which is always an interesting discovery to make about a character. Juror 8 is not always patient and just, she is also affected by the things that are said to and around her and reacts accordingly. This is definitely something that I want to keep playing with and justifying.
I also want to explore the connections between the other characters more, and specifically how I interact with them before they change their minds. Juror 9 is the first person to change his vote and join me, and never (vocally) changes his mind back, so I think that it is worth exploring what our connection is before that shift, and how it might play into that moment.
Reading Act 2 also made me realize how fast of a shift the end of the act is. I don’t think that I fully earned the shift today, but I now know that it’s something to work on in the future when we begin putting the play on its feet. I also want to avoid predetermining the shift of this scene, and letting it come naturally without forcing a “big act ender.”
August 23
Today we picked up our read through from the beginning of Act 3 and finished the play. Even though this was broken up over several days, this felt like a big accomplishment. It was really nice hearing everyone’s ideas and interpretations of their characters at this point in the process for the entire play. I think that over the course of reading the play over the past few days, I definitely became more comfortable with reading, and how to connect with everyone else, commit to the reading, while still relying on the book. However, today I was beginning to notice that a lot of my lines sound the same and have very similar intentions. It’s still early in the process and I know that some things can only be fixed over time, but I am now aware that I must re-score the show and continue discovering new ideas and intentions. The read-through also helped a lot with starting to establish points of view on the action, as it was constantly something that we were thinking about during the process. I also think that the read through for this show is interesting because it shares a lot of similarities with the actual circumstances of the play; we’re all present for the whole play, we’re all sitting in the same spots around the table for most of the time, etc.. So while read-throughs are obviously always directly applicable to the work that’s going to be done after them, it seemed even more informative for this show, because there were many moments in the play that I assume will be very similar in execution.
After finishing reading through the whole play, I have come away with more questions for myself. I think that these initial rehearsals where so many questions develop is one of my favorite parts of the process. One of my biggest questions from today is how exactly does Juror 8 change over the course of the play? Juror 8’s mind never changes about the case like everyone else’s, but there has to be an arc. Right now, I’m thinking that it is likely the approach to the room and the desired outcome of the room that may change, but this is definitely something that I’m going to keep exploring.
Something else I want to keep shaping is what is going on outside of the play, specifically, what is happening right after. Today I noticed that I was playing the end of the play as “the end of the play”, but there is an entire sequence of events and world that exists after we leave the room. What does that look like, and how does that shape our ending? We’ve done a lot of research on the world of the play over the week, so I think that this is just another element of developing the world for myself.
August 24
Today we started with a warm-up that was primarily vocal based. Since we’re rehearsing in 310 for the time being, Marc was telling us how important it is that we still produce enough sound and vibrations to reach row P in Klein. I know that I can be weak vocally when it comes to producing enough sound in a healthy way, as well as hitting every consonant in order to be intelligible to the audience, so these are aspects of my performance that I definitely want to be conscious of during rehearsals. Over the years, I have developed a good tool kit to be able to do this, but I know that it is something that I have to consciously think about in order to enact.
The tape down of the stage was ready today, which is always super helpful information. Outside of being necessary for blocking purposes, the tape down really helps to create a separate world from the rest of the room, even while we’re in the classroom.
We started blocking today, and we got to page 4 so I have yet to say anything. Coming in today, I didn’t realize just how long our entrances would take, but in hindsight it makes perfect sense. Every character has such a specific path coming in, and each moment took time to carve out and make specific. Since this play is set in realism, these details are so important to creating our world, and for this first part of the play, it’s so important to shape how the story and characters will flow after this. Marc suggested that Juror 8 should be kind of invisible for this first part of the play, so I spent most of the part we blocked today observing the others through the eyes of my character. With the path and interactions that have been created, this initial moment currently feels like an entirely different character than when I start speaking in a few pages. I would like to see how these scenes flow into each other to see how one may justify the other, but I also recognize that I may need to rethink some of the choices I made today to be more consistent with my character later on. It can be nerve wracking to not have all of the answers right now, but it’s also a lot of fun trying to piece these things together during the process.
Marc and I spoke briefly after rehearsal about my position in this show as a lead, my first major role in Klein, and how this is a spot that I have earned, but also one that will require a lot of work. It was definitely reassuring to hear this from the director, and it is definitely a challenge that I am grateful for and beyond willing to commit to. So far in the process, I’ve been trying my best to keep my own insecurities about my abilities at bay, and just focus on what I can control and what I know how to do. I know how to prepare for this, I know how to dive in completely, and I know the techniques and tools that will help me to accomplish my goals. Going forward, I want to allow myself to make mistakes (because I absolutely will), but also take accountability and step up to the plate like I know I can.
August 25
We continued blocking today and stopped at page 20, which is right at my turn around the table as to why we think the boy is guilty or not. My biggest takeaway from today is that I already have some set ideas in my head that I am acting on, but should probably let go of or explore other ideas. I think that today I was anticipating the relationships that I have with other characters by the end of the play. I don’t think that Juror 8 comes in knowing that she’ll disagree with Juror 3 for most of the deliberation, or that Juror 9 will be her first ally, yet I think I’m playing those aspects of the relationships before I have given myself the chance to develop them. I’ve done a lot of work to avoid judging my character, but today I realized that I need to do more work not judging the other characters too quickly as well.
I also found that the beginning of the play is much harsher than I thought. While there is definitely a difference in how direct Juror 8 is in the beginning than how I initially thought, I think that there still needs to be a level of gentleness that isn’t present right now. How do I get all of these people to listen to me when I’m disagreeing? Something has to make them pay attention to me, so I’m going to reevaluate my tactics for this scene and reshape how I want the others to be affected by what I’m saying. Without trying to attribute specific traits or readings to my character, I think there needs to be a balance between firmness and standing my ground, and compassion and uncertainty.
There was also an unexpected challenge today in that I witnessed some negative conversations between some of my castmates. I don’t want this to continue and become a distraction, and it also is so rude to the other people in the room. It was a situation that made me pretty uncomfortable, but I want to move on from it.
August 26*
We did not have rehearsal today, but I had my first costume fitting where I learned so much about my character and the world of the play. Kevin spent a lot of time going over some of the manners of the time: how to sit, how to take off the sweater, how and where to place my bag. This was all such helpful information that told me so much about how I would move throughout the space.
I’m also glad that the character work I have done so far aligns with Kevin’s design of the character. We discussed how Juror 8 likely cares about her appearance and how others perceive her, but isn’t trying to steal the show with her appearance and have all eyes on her at all times. Very put together, but pretty standard. We also discussed some of the social implications of my race in this time period, and that would also shape my appearance (specifically my hair) and how I present myself to the room. This is definitely something I’ve been thinking about, and it definitely felt validating to hear from someone else. This isn’t an aspect of the character that I want to “play”, but definitely something that would have an impact on the character and her view on the world.
Kevin also shared that my costume was likely made by my character, which was an interesting idea to consider, and gave some more insight into the class of my character.
August 27
Today we continued blocking Act 1. As we keep going, I feel more and more confident about my character and my ability to make choices, even if they’re wrong. It’s still something that makes me nervous, but this is the most sure of myself I’ve felt doing a show so far, even though I know there’s absolutely still room for growth and discovery.
Marc gave me a note today to finish out the actions. I have a tendency to rush through the ideas, so I’m going to work on finding the specific ideas and images in what I’m saying so I can be sure to create and hit them in the moment. So much of this play and character feels so urgent, which it is, but I also tend to translate urgent into fast. My goal going forward is to find new ways that the urgency of the situation may impact my character, that doesn’t do a disservice to the text or the plot like rushing through the ideas does.
I also found myself struggling a bit with how to deal with the knife. This moment is tricky for me because it’s a topic that Juror 8 comes into the room knowing she wants to bring it up, so it’s exciting when it does come up. But I don’t want to reveal anything to the rest of the jurors (or the audience) prematurely. I don’t want to play the moment up, but I also don’t want to throw it away.
Physicalizing characters has been a weakness of mine, and it stuck out to me today. I have trouble fully committing to movement and endowing props, so this is something that I want to stop holding back with, and just let go so I can fully dive in.
August 29
Today we started blocking Act 2. I feel like we’re moving through the show so quickly, which is exciting but also made me realize how quickly the show actually moves. At the top of this act, I realize that I haven’t justified my movement very well, so I want to create a better justification for all of my time at the window. So often, I’m at the window to think or before I present a new idea, but why can’t this happen in my chair? I think as we develop the blocking I’m just trying to be conscious of why my character is moving, and this is one spot where I’m having trouble.
Today also made me realize how confident I feel in my character with the text, but how nervous I get when that is no longer available to me. After Juror 9 changes his vote, we needed to create a bit of dialogue between ourselves so other people could take the spotlight. Improvising this dialogue was so difficult for me, and I need to have a loose script of some kind before we revisit this. This also made me reevaluate my relationship with 9 in this moment, but also how my relationship with anyone changes after their vote changes.
An interesting aspect of my character and tactics that I discovered today is the idea of diffusing versus defending. Not every interaction falls into this, but I think that there are multiple times in the text where I’m trying to get people off of my back or someone else’s so they’ll be more receptive to listening, and other moments where the goal is to shut people down so they have to listen to me. I think that this might help to solve one of my earlier problems of what makes people listen to me, and also helps to find that balance of directness and compassion.
As we continue to block and I am given more destinations, I realize how little I am giving to the physically. A lot more work needs to be done in this aspect.
August 30
We continued blocking Act 2 today, and one of the biggest challenges of today was the focus of the group as a whole. I’m glad that everyone seems to be getting along, but it can be distracting or feel like we’re wasting time whenever conversations break out in the middle of rehearsal. I know that I can do more to remind them of the expectations of the room, but I also don’t want to be the person to ruin their rehearsal, and it’s also hard to spend time worrying about others when I’m trying to focus on doing my actual job.
Other than that, today felt like a good rehearsal that gave me a lot of things to work on going forward. Act 2 moves pretty fast and ends on a pretty intense note, and I was having trouble justifying that journey today. My castmates are so giving at the end of Act 2, so I know I need to play off of that more and reciprocate the energy that I’m receiving. I felt very in my head about this today, and wasn’t able to just let go in the scene and let it happen. This may be easier to accomplish when we’re not stopping and starting, as I’m realizing just how much each moment of the play feeds into the next.
We also worked on the reenactment scene today, which requires a lot of very specific scene building and blocking. I struggled to dive into this scene without having the exact plan in my head. I know that sometimes the best way to figure these things out is by doing it, but going in without a full plan can be really difficult for me. It felt frustrating because I felt like I was causing rehearsal to stand still, but it also felt necessary for me to accomplish my goal. I constantly have an internal battle of knowing myself and what I need so I can prepare accordingly, versus knowing that not being able to act without a full plan is a weakness of mine that I just need to let go of for the better of the group.
August 31
Rehearsal today was lengthy, but we got a lot done! We revisited some of the things we worked on in Act 2 yesterday, and worked all the way into the beginning of Act 3. I left rehearsal today with a lot of discoveries and questions to look into.
A discovery that I found exciting was Juror 8’s potential fear and shame over her own actions. With so much of the play being spent trying to be fair and just, the moment where I incite a physical altercation by taking Juror 3’s pattern goes against everything I’ve been speaking up about. In this moment, I discovered a lot of the character’s potential anxiety about how the room is affecting her and how her actions are impacting other people. This discovery also helped me to transition into the next part of the scene, so even if it’s something that changes in the future, it definitely felt like a step in the right direction for today. I also realized that a shift in my approach to the room changed at some point today. There is a shift that happened from just wanting fairness and dialogue, to directly wanting to stop Juror 3 from fulfilling her goal. While I noticed that this shift happened, I need to pinpoint where this happened, but I also realize that this might be something that changes from day to day.
Sometimes I think I get so focused on the direct action of the scene, that I forget to build out other moments that are not in the script. I noticed this today in multiple ways. First, I realized that I haven’t been using any of the props that I’ve been given in my purse. This isn’t too alarming to me, because I think that this can be justified by 8’s focus on the case, but I think it is still worth exploring the possibilities of what can be used. I also realized that I haven’t built out relationships with the other jurors during the show. I know how I feel about them, but I haven’t explored how this might initiate interactions and shared moments.
Something I want to be aware of when we start piecing the whole play together is the transition between the acts. Going from Act 2 to Act 3 today felt like I completely reset my energy and didn’t let the previous act impact me into the next. I have definitely made a separation in my mind based on the script, but in actuality the play doesn’t really stop for these act changes.
We have spent a lot of time establishing the manners and expectations of the time and the situation, and it’s something that I consider every day. However, the characters are still human, and humans break expectations and occasionally forget their manners, especially in extreme situations like this one, so I want to explore what that might look like for me. When do I get so caught up in my goals that I forget where I am and who I’m talking to? What does this look like and how do I shift back into the expected behaviors?
September 1
Today we finished blocking the whole show! Whenever we hit big milestones like this, it makes me realize how fast this process is going and how much progress we’re making.
One of the biggest things I noticed today was how much I’m rushing through the text. I have quite a few large chunks in Act 3 that are very imperative to the story, but I tend to just blurt it out. All of the text is important, but it’s especially important that these moments land, because they are what change the decision of the room. Part of this is largely due to the fact that I still have my book in my hand, so I’m focusing so much on making sure that I’m saying the right words and not leaving anything out. As I work on memorizing these chunks, I know that I have a lot of work to do in terms of finding and showing the images of what I’m saying, and connecting each thought to the next. I also realized that I was also rushing moments where I had little text, as I was anticipating the next moment. After today, I know that these moments of either a lot of text or very little text are going to be uncomfortable, so I need to become more comfortable with them by working with them more and taking the time to fully flesh out the thoughts, and I can also use my discomfort to fuel the scene. There are moments of little text that are uncomfortable because I don’t know what to do, which is also true for Juror 8 in that moment. What do you do when you’re put on the spot but have nothing left to say?
With these big chunks of text, I also realized how much of this play is a fight for attention for Juror 8. I’m not just saying these words to an empty room, I need everyone else to pay attention and hear me. Establishing some of these moments as demanding their attention helped me to justify why I continue to get up in front of them after they continue to shut me down.
At the end of rehearsal, I approached Marc about a line that I’ve been having trouble with: “There’s nothing we can do about that, except hope that one night, maybe in a few months, why, you might be able to get some sleep.” Marc shared that the line is probably an acknowledgement of Juror 3’s inner turmoil, specifically about her own relationship with her son. After discussing this with Marc, I feel like I have a much better understanding not only of the line, but the entire ending and arc of the play. This also made me realize how one note my view of Juror 3 has been, and more depth can be added to our relationship in the form of empathy of what she has been through. With this new discovery, I want to see where there are other moments where this might come into play.
September 3
Today’s rehearsal was good but hard. We started by reviewing and going more in depth with the end of act 3, and it was difficult because I found myself hitting a wall. I knew what the scene required, and I wasn’t tired, but it was difficult for me to “empty the tank.” Every time I did the scene I knew that more needed to be done and I still had more to give, but I didn’t know how to tap into it.
It was nice applying the conversation Marc and I had about the get some sleep line to my interaction with Juror 3 today, and it almost put the whole scene into a different perspective. It made a lot more sense to me today and felt a lot easier to justify.
After reviewing some moments from Act 3, we went through Act 1 off book. This was super exciting, but always nerve wracking being without your book for the first time. It also makes you realize how much work needs to go into physicality when you’re not holding the book. What do I do with my hands if there’s not a script there?
Act 1 went pretty smoothly, but I know that I was so focused on being off book that I wasn’t really acting, but just saying the words and trying to remember all of the blocking. I was trying to be more aware of my tactics in Act 1, specifically that balance between firmness and openness, and I think that there was some progress, but there’s always more room to grow. But now that the first time is out of the way, it can start to live in my body a little bit more. There is definitely so much more potential for choices to be made and connections with the other characters.
We also introduced the real knives today which was more stressful than I thought it would be. I think I just need to spend more time getting used to it and becoming comfortable with it. This is also the first time I’ve dealt with weapons on stage, so the procedure is a bit daunting since there are so many steps, but I definitely don’t feel like anyone is unsafe.
We spent the last part of rehearsal exploring the Laban efforts, which is something I’m so grateful for. Physicality is always something that’s difficult for me, so this was really helpful. I think I’m already using Flick for Juror 8, but also think that Press and Glide will help the character. After talking with Marc, he suggested that I continue exploring the more sustained movements (like Press and Glide) which I fully agree with. I think that those will also help a lot with my tendencies to speed through some of the dialogue.
September 5
Today was incredibly stressful before and during rehearsal, since we were addressing some issues that were existing in the cast. The negative attitudes towards some of the other cast members was something that I’ve been noticing, and recently it came to a point where it needed to be addressed. This was such a hard conversation to have, but I think that it was absolutely necessary for us to move forward and continue with this show. I hope that everyone will take something from what was shared today, and that we can move past this for the rest of the show.
Other than that, we ran Act 2 off book. I felt a lot less confident about today than I did for being off book for Act 1. I think that there are such specific ideas that need to be communicated in my explanations during Act 2, that I get so focused on the specific words and forget my tactics. However, today went better than I expected. I think I made myself more nervous than I needed to be. I tried on some of the Laban efforts from yesterday, mainly Glide, and I think it helped a bit with my vocal problems, but I’m still having trouble with my body.
I feel a lot better than I did coming in, but I’m still nervous for the designer run tomorrow, especially since we haven’t revisited Act 3 since blocking it. I know that the designers are aware of where we are in the process, but it can still be nerve wracking to have new eyes on the rehearsal process.
September 6
The designer run was today, and I think this is the most nervous I’ve ever been for one. It was our first time doing it in front of different people, but it was also the first time we’ve connected all of the acts together the way that it will be performed. I know that no one was expecting perfection or a performance ready show, but I still feel like I could have done better. Doing the run made me realize just how fast the story progresses, and there really isn’t a moment to slow down and catch your breath. I think by the time we get to performances this will actually be a good thing, but I think it contributed to some of my anxiety today.
I’m also still working really hard to remember what exactly comes next and how to connect those lines of thinking, so it still feels like I’m not acting all the time, but there’s plenty of moments where I’m just saying my line and going through the motions so we can get to the next part of the play.
But after doing our first full run of the show, I still feel accomplished even though I feel like I could have done better. I think we’re at a good place to keep moving forward and improving now that we’ve laid the basic foundations of the show. As we go back to reviewing and rehearsing, I know that there are a lot of moments of connection that can be developed further. A lot of my notes after the run were about providing more resistance to the other characters when they share their reasons for voting guilty. This is something that I’m excited to play with tomorrow, and I think will help to fuel the arc of the show for Juror 8.
September 7
At the start of today’s rehearsal, I asked Marc about a note he gave me yesterday about status. He shared the idea of enlightening/illuminating and revealing what’s in the shadows as a lot of what’s happening in this play, and a lot of the motivation behind the action and the character. Juror 8 is not just trying to change the room’s opinion by force, but she’s trying to shed light on the case in new ways until there is no more uncertainty. This perspective felt like a huge development for my character and how I approach the show. Being able to imagine each point and argument as a way to shed light also helped me to visualize how the story builds. More and more of the story is illuminated, until at the end there is no more darkness because everything has been touched on. This also made me value some moments of the play in a different way. Overall, this was an exciting conversation and I can’t wait to keep playing with this idea going forward, as I think it really helped me to justify my actions even more today.
We focused mostly on Act 3 today, as it was the only act that we were not able to revisit before the designer run yesterday. This act is the hardest for me to figure out my character’s line of thinking without self generating, but I think there has already been progress in this area since we first blocked it. I think that I just need to spend more time with Act 3 in order to continue making sense of it.
Something that I’ve been thinking about that started to come into play today was what exactly does Juror 8 come into the Jury Room knowing she’s going to say and does she come up with on the spot. For example, she knows that she’s going to talk about the knife – she planned that last night when she bought it. In Act 3, I think a lot of the arguments are created right there, so I explored what might cause these thoughts, and what it might look like to build these ideas out in the moment while you have the live audience of the rest of the jury.
September 8
Today we worked through a list of scenes that needed to be shaped more. A lot of these consisted of scenes that we previously labeled as “poster moments”, or moments where everyone’s point of view should be abundantly clear. While touching up these scenes, I found it much easier to do than when we were earlier in the process, because I think I have a stronger sense of character.
We then started rehearsing the show from the top, which I was grateful for as today is our last day in 310 before we get to Klein. Marc has told me to keep pushing with sustained movements, so that was one of the biggest things I was trying to implement in this run. It’s something that I’m always trying to implement, and whenever I catch myself not sustaining my movements of my vocals for as much as I intended, I keep falling out of the world of the play to fix it.
Overall, I think today’s rehearsal went well, and I feel more ready than ever to move into Klein. I’m also getting nervous again because we’re approaching tech so quickly, but I think we’re more ready than I am letting myself believe.
September 10
Rehearsal today was in Klein, but it wasn’t a tech rehearsal so it was still just the cast, stage management, Marc and Julia. I am so glad that we had today to get used to being in Klein, without the added pressure of more people in the room.
I found myself getting really frustrated in rehearsal today, probably the most frustrated I’ve ever been for any show. Most of this definitely stemmed from being upset with myself for not still not being able to capture the character physically like I try to. So much of my mental energy is going towards the Laban efforts, and I’m actively trying to implement them but it’s like I’m hitting a roadblock. It’s so frustrating to know what needs to be done and how, and still not be able to do it. I think that this was also exacerbated by the fact that we’re in Klein now, so it feels like I’m running out of time to figure this out.
My frustration with that bled into the rest of my performance, which overall left me unhappy with what I put on the stage today. I know that it is not always possible to separate what you are feeling as an actor from what the character is feeling, but I felt so overwhelmed and distracted today that it didn’t feel productive.
I do think that my heightened state allowed me to identify moments where Juror 8 might actually be feeling a similar way in the show, which is a positive discovery from today.
At the end of rehearsal, Marc and I set up a meeting to work on voice and body aspects of the performance. I am so grateful for the time and energy that is being put into me and my performance, but part of me also feels like I am not meeting expectations. Today was pretty difficult, and I am glad to have a little break before we jump into tech. I’m frustrated with myself and with today, but I still desperately want to make the correction to better my performance, and to avoid another day like today.
September 12
Before rehearsal today, Marc and I met to explore the Laban efforts more in depth. This meeting was so helpful and I’m so glad that we had it. It put into perspective what exactly I was implementing compared to what needed to be done, and I think it overall cleared up the expectations. It is still very difficult, but I now have a much better idea of what I’m shooting for and what it feels like when I achieve it. I feel a lot better going into rehearsal today. Marc tasked me with going beyond what is comfortable with this and to fully embody the efforts in rehearsal, even if it feels like too far.
I tried to do exactly that in rehearsal, and I think I’m already beginning to see the difference. It is definitely uncomfortable and difficult, but it felt so rewarding at the end of rehearsal when I felt like I embodied them to my fullest ability. Besides the actual challenge of applying the efforts, I also had some difficulty not letting my thoughts about the efforts cause me to retreat into my mind. Staying in my head is a problem that I’ve had with past productions, and one that I’ve been trying to avoid for this one. So far I’ve felt pretty successful, but this is definitely making me live in my head a lot more now. I’m going to do what I can to implement what needs to be implemented, while trying to keep my own thoughts and insecurities at bay during the performance.
This challenge also overpowered the fact that today was the first day of tech in my mind. I was excited to start the tech process, and I was still a bit nervous having other people see the show for the first time, but that kept falling into the back of my mind as I was working on other things.
September 13
Today we resumed tech, and restarted at top of show, but this time we had costumes! I’ve obviously tried on all of my costume pieces in fittings, but today was my first time seeing all of the pieces together, and with the wig. It immediately felt like a transformation from me to my character. The costume also posed a slight challenge, as I had to spend time during rehearsal today figuring out the physical limitations of my costume. It is very difficult for me to lift my arms above shoulder level, and I can only do so very slowly, so this was something that I was having to consider.
I continued to embody the Laban efforts, and I could definitely feel the difference vocally today. I know that there is still more room to embody them physically, but today felt like a good step. I think that implementing the Laban efforts requires more trust in my preparation, and I was surprised to see that I was more prepared for this than I thought. I can definitely be confident in this character, but only if I allow myself to be and stop doubting my work and my choices.
Today was a good rehearsal and we got all the way through Act 1! I knew that this show would likely be very simple technically, but I was still shocked to see how fast we’re moving. I feel good about the work that was done today, and I’m excited for tomorrow, but still a little nervous. I feel the most confident in Act 1, so I need to trust in preparation of Act 2 and 3 more as we approach teaching them.
September 14
We started tech at top of show again, and we were able to get through what we did yesterday without any holds, which was a super exciting way to start today! We then started going through Act 2. Something interesting about this tech process is how much the blocking is still changing. Once we got down to Klein there were more sight line issues that needed to be solved, so my path for Act 2 changed a lot today. This is kind of stressing me out, because so much is changing and we aren’t able to go back and apply it all the time, so it’s imperative that I remember the changes.
Something interesting that came out of today was the discussion of “aha moments” in the show, or moments when Juror 8 makes a discovery in the moment that is then shared with the room. This was an aspect of the role that I was excited about coming in, and I didn’t realize how much of a backseat it took in my mind. Now that Marc and I have talked about it, I feel better about finding and playing these moments, and I think it adds a fun layer of chaos for Juror 8.
I’m continuing to work on sustaining, and as I was doing this today, I remembered something very simple that Cate Brewer told me in Acting I: savor my time on stage. Don’t draw things out unnecessarily, but also give myself the time to actually act and embody the character. This, along with the things that I have been working on reminded me of how important this story is, and how important it is that it is heard and understood, and that I should absolutely be taking up space in order to tell the story.
September 15
I started today’s rehearsal very overwhelmed. I think that this was due to the speed through that we were doing, and I was struggling to commit to either the speed through or focusing on sustaining. I didn’t want to hold up the speed through because we needed to start tech and get into costumes after 30 minutes, but I also didn’t want to throw away everything I’ve been working on. I also think I put a lot of pressure on myself today. Whenever I make a mistake or forget something, I feel like I am disappointing the people around me, but I did my best to shake this off and move on. This internal conflict really made me focus on the Laban efforts even more during the run, so I could make sure that it was in my body. Because of this, I actually felt the best about my physicality and vocal performance today. It still took a lot of thought, but it’s starting to feel less forced, and more like a part of the character.
We weren’t called back after the dinner break, which was genuinely shocking. We’re moving quickly, and I’m glad everyone got an unexpected break, but there always feels like there’s still so much to work on and improve. This did reassure me that we’re in a good spot, and that we have the time to reach our goals.
September 16
Since we finished cue-to-cue a few days ago, we spent today running the show how it will be performed. I’m glad that we have enough time to be able to do this and go back to fix anything. This simultaneously felt like the smoothest run we’ve had so far with the best flow of action, and my personal worst run acting wise. I felt like I was fighting every moment and forcing every action to happen, and I didn’t earn the ends of the acts. I also think I took a step backward with my Laban efforts, but I’m aware of this and will fix it tomorrow.
Today I found a lot more moments where I’m not leading the action, so I spent a lot of my energy today feeding into my castmates and their “illuminating” moments.
September 17
Today was our last day of tech (without an audience)! Rehearsal went pretty well today. I always tend to be very nervous before runs until we actually get started, but today was the least nervous I’ve felt. I think that I am beginning to trust myself more, which is allowing me to go into runs with more confidence.
There were two main things that I was working on today: varying my movements and reacting more to my castmates. With my movements, I think I’ve settled into a very specific way of moving as I’ve established my sustained efforts, but I think that this has essentially created a line reading for my body. I did my best to stray from what I’ve been doing, but I will continue to work on this. I felt better about reacting today, but I know that more can still be done. Sometimes, it feels selfish to actively react but I know that this is untrue and something that I have to ignore. I want to do what I can to help out my castmates the way they are helping me.
I had to remind myself today that 8 is allowed to be scared and nervous, and these are things that are driving her at some points. As in control as she seems at times, she doesn’t know how the play ends.
An unexpected challenge I experienced today was the photos being taken: it is extremely distracting. Doing the show while people are pacing in front of the stage and trying to ignore them felt like an impossible task. I’m glad that we won’t have to keep experiencing that.
I also had a shift in perspective today that I think helped me, especially towards the end of the play. I have been viewing some of the moments in the play (namely the “is the boy smart or dumb” moment) as a hurdle to jump over. While it is definitely a moment that needs to be worked towards and takes a lot of energy, I realized today that it is not purely a challenge but an opportunity to be heard that has a major reward. I’m very excited about this realization and can’t wait to continue bringing it to life.
September 18
Pay What You Can! Today felt like such a huge milestone for the production. This was the calmest I have ever felt before a first audience, and I think that I have made a lot of progress in trusting myself. I was definitely nervous and in my head for the first part of the show, but this wore off quickly. I think that this can be attributed to the nerves of having an audience for the first time, which is always something to get used to.
After the run, we went over our goals from the beginning of the rehearsal process. I think we achieved many of them, but I think that our goal of not trying to control the flow is one that I can continue to work on as we enter performances.
I feel happy with today, and even more ready to start performances!
Performances
September 19
Opening Night was a success! I think that this performance is always one of the hardest, because it’s the first “real” performance, but the audience is also full of theatre students and faculty. There is always a responsibility to give a good performance, but the stakes always feel the highest on opening. But with that being said, I did not let my nerves take the lead, and I am satisfied with the performance we gave. I keep mentioning how calm I’ve been feeling these past few days, but I think that it is just a direct result of my trust in the process. Overall, I am very happy with tonight and am even more excited for the rest of the run.
September 20
Today’s performance was good. After performances start, there also comes a pressure to have as good of a performance as the last one, so that was definitely in my mind coming in today. I think the nerves of opening night have since faded, so I was a lot less nervous going into the performance. I think that I had a good balance today of being able to tell myself to push and go farther, while still being in character and not distracting myself. I realized today that I can let go even more, and let the flow of the show happen naturally; I’m still trying to control it. Overall, today’s performance was smoother than yesterday’s, but seemed to be a little slower.
September 21
Tonight was a big night for me because my family was here. Naturally that usually makes me a bit nervous, but I was primarily excited to show them what I had been working on. This doesn’t seem like a huge shift on paper but my mindset was less “don’t mess up” today, and more “do your best”. Both are always true, but I think one removes pressure and anxiety, and allows me to let go of the idea of being perfect. This let me get even more excited about the performance. Over the past few performances, I think that I am becoming more and more comfortable with being in front of the audience, and my performance is improving in some aspect each night which is relieving.
I know that I can’t control the audience, nor do I want to, but the engagement and laughter reassures me that my tactics are working and translating off of the stage. I feel better knowing that the audience is following along closely, which is something I was worried about in the early stages of the show.
September 22
Today was the last show of our first weekend. Historically, matinees are usually a lot sleepier and slower, so I wanted to be conscious of this and actively bring as much energy as possible, and I think we succeeded. After 3 performances, I felt pretty comfortable coming in for today, but I definitely want to make sure that I am staying engaged and still treating every show like the first time. I realized this specifically after 4 stabs the wall, I think that I was anticipating this which makes the scene way less interesting.
There was also a certain amount of pressure to have a good performance today since we had Afterwords, and knew that people would be asking questions after the show. This was my first Afterwords, so I was more nervous about that than the idea of talking about the show. In fact, I actually felt pretty relaxed for Afterwords, and trusted that all of the time and energy that I have put into this show would be enough for any question that they asked, and it was. Something interesting that came out afterwards was hearing other people’s interpretation of my character. I haven’t been playing Juror 8 to be perceived any particular way, I have just built the character and let people see what they want to see from that, so it was interesting to hear how other people described my portrayal. I’m not going to let this change any of the work that I’ve done, but it was fascinating to hear and showed me that I’m definitely not always aware of how others perceive me, which I think is okay. Both my thoughts and theirs about 8 can be true.
September 26
I was a bit nervous coming in for today’s performance. I’ve been recovering from a nasty cold, and this was the first time I was speaking and projecting at a performance for a few days, so I was a little weary about my vocal performance. Other than that, I think that the whole company was a little nervous after returning from the break. The performance felt good, but just a little stiff, which is usually what happens on the first Thursday back. I think that I actually felt more confident today in parts that I’ve been nervous about in the past because I gave them so much attention over the break. I also came into this performance consciously thinking about “shoveling” the coal, which I think helped me to connect my thoughts after the break, but there were definitely parts where I was self generating, which didn’t feel great. This was far from our best run, but a good one nonetheless.
September 27
This was my favorite performance of this show by far. Everyone’s energy was up from the start, and yesterday seems to have broken the ice of the second week. I feel like the entire cast was a cohesive unit for the entire play today. Personally, I think the energy of today let me break a few line readings that I’ve developed, and I also made a lot of new discoveries about the full intentions of some of my lines. I felt the positive version of letting go and “losing control” without feeling the need to pull in the reins tonight, which was so exciting.
One thing I noticed tonight, is that when the energy is high, I tend to become a bit too harsh and become shoutier than I personally think necessary. I’ve come to the understanding that urgent doesn’t mean fast, but I also need to work on not translating urgent into loud. That’s something that I’m going to take with me going forward, but this was definitely a performance that I was proud to give.
September 28 – Matinee
My biggest worry coming into the two-show day wasn’t being tired for the second performance, but more that I would accidentally use the matinee as a warm up. Since I was nervous about this, I tried to consciously avoid this, and gave myself a longer warm up than usual. This performance was similar to Thursday in my opinion: good, but a little stiff. I think we were all also trying to live up to the performance last night, which led to the unnatural progression of some parts of the plot. This performance went better than I was expecting, and had a lot more energy than I thought it would.
September 28 – Evening
I was a little tired coming into the performance today, but the cast did a group warm up which definitely helped to raise the energy and connect everyone before the show. This was a good run in my opinion. The energy didn’t feel low like I worried, and I think having the run in the afternoon made me feel more confident in doing it again. I feel like I was really able to, appropriately, take my time with Act 3, which is constantly something I’m working on. Overall, I was pretty satisfied with this performance.
September 29
Our closing performance was exactly what I wanted it to be. It was by no means perfect, but I think we found a nice balance of all the things we’ve been working on that came out today. For me, I felt the best coming into this performance; it feels pretty good to come into the last performance of 8 other successful runs. Even though it was the last performance, I didn’t feel the need to push any harder, because I had already been pushing. This was a realization that made me so proud of the progress that I’ve made on this show. Of course there are things that could have gone better and things that I could have improved upon, but for this performance, and everyone before it, I can confidently say that I did my absolute best and I am proud of what I put on the stage, and that is worth something.